Sunday, September 07, 2008

Strange thought to wake up to..

I slept very restlessly last night. I kept having these intense dreams and then waking up. I'm processing 'stuff' but also just plain did not sleep well. I took something the night before that made me actually sleep through the night and for me, that's practically unheard of; sleeping uninterrupted for more than 8.5 (!!) hours.. wow. Normally, if/when not taking anything I can wake up after either 3 or 4 or so -sh hours, either by myself or my 5 yr old is coming to our bed and I heave ho her right back to her own. Lately she's been sleeping so much better, I'm not though. Haven't for years.

At any rate, the meds I took (not a sleeping med) the night before and the night before that just help me so much that I have glimpses of what I and my brain would be like on more than 7hrs of sleep. Can you dig it? I sure can.

Still, did not want to take it last night and get 'used' to it. So after 4.5hrs I woke up. James woke up several times as well which is unusual for him as he's the big,deep sleeper in the family. It was work related of course. He's going to Washington DC for the week for work.

One of the things I had in my head when I woke up one of the few times last night was this and I'll just put it out there;

Fear of dying is not fear of dying but fear of living.

As you noticed in my previous post my going down memory lane, I will be starting up another blog to facilitate putting my thoughts and more indepth memories and thoughts on so as to separate the 'political me' and the more 'introspective personal me'. Sometime this week. I need to process, I need to put all manner of thoughts and feelings that I have not 'taken care off' in the last 20 plus years after leaving home (literally, emigrated the heck out of there) out there without concern that those of you who come to visit will put up their hands and say "XNAY XNAY TMI!!" (too much information)

One has friends where one can just shoot the breeze, and friends who you share your deeper thoughts with without fear of rejection or indifference.

I'm sure 'ya'll' have your own stuff and situations so whether you, at whatever point, come over to the other site or not doesn't matter. It's optional, it's just one other side of me. It's foremost personal stuff that I need to express. I know most people put only their personal feelings/emotions/trials and tribulations on their blog but I'd be bored with that myself. One blog for one part of me. A separation of the personal and the political. At least for the 'audience' at large.

What does that remind you off?[s]



Blogger an average patriot said...

Like I said I will be there to see what you have to say and what is on your mind and look forward to repartee whenever and whatever!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Ingrid said...

Jimster, thanks bud! I appreciate your willingness to engage. I do want to keep it 'separate' as it's a matter of focus for me. To really open up is not as it seems as much as I might seem 'open' here or in real life. I'm not exactly 'repressed' but suppressing is something I have done..
naturally, murphy's law rules and my youngest most likely will be home sick's hoping only tomorrow..I need space to think and write..


1:21 PM  
Blogger an average patriot said...

Relax, think, ponder, take your sweet time. You are in no hurry!

1:42 PM  
Blogger Robert Rouse said...

I once considered writing a book called "Nicotine Dreams". When I was going through the process of quitting my smoking habit, I went on the nicotine patch. It is amazing the vivid and surreal dreams they give you. And even more amazing is how vivid and memorable they are after you awaken.

I actually wrote most of mine down and thought about sending a feeler out for others who were quitting and using the patch to see if their experiences were similar.

Now that is out of the way. I do not have a fear of death, I have a fear of not living. What that means is, I don't want to miss anything. New discoveries, my children growing up and then being a grandfather. Watching my children graduate, get married, etc. My biggest fear is not of death itself, but simply what I will miss by dying.

2:12 PM  
Blogger susan said...

I've come to so many crossroads in my life and have taken the narrow, winding, overgrown with weed paths so many times I couldn't begin to process my way back to a start point. I applaud your intention of making the effort and I'll be by to visit whatever you decide to do.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I think this is a great idea Ingrid. Sometimes I'd think I'd like to get some more personal stuff out there but anonymous-like as my family reads my blog. Sometimes. And sometimes is enough when you need to get something off your chest. Ah but currently I've no time to get anything out there. It's on the list though. Anywy I'm sure I would find your 2nd blog inspiring.
I'm definitly not afraid of death just afraid of leaving behind those I love and maybe that means I'm am afraid of death. Hmmm. Talk myself right in a circle on taht one.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Blueberry said...

Ah! 7 hours of sleep! That's my dream... or it would be if I could sleep! haha. Guess it's a daydream, sorry about that.

Good idea on the new blog. I really don't think it will be TMI. I mix it up over at my place. It helps just to write stuff down and share it sometimes.

5:29 AM  
Blogger Ingrid said...

Thanks for your nice responses guys. As much as you allow for personal stuff on this particular site, I intend to dig deeper and perhaps even probe more deeply to clear out the cobwebs once and for all. You are all sharing personal events, concerns etc.. but that's a far cry from letting your innermost fears and feelings out. It's intended as a therapeutic tool and not even necessarily a communication/exchange venue. "you too? Me too!". Someone gave me a great idea so I am exploring the manner of the other blog. It wouldn't be just 'talk'. There is a creative side that needs to come out and I will want to use that in the process.
Robert..what prevents you from still writing that? I think the title is great! If anything, you could send it in to GQ or another male oriented mag (like the 'girly' ones) .. just think about it. are all so right with the 'fear of death' thing; it's leaving your kids behind that's most troubling. I just woke up with that thought as I have been stressed and had my major anxiety attack almost 2 yrs ago. With major anxieties come irrational fears, mine is fear of death. But then, I've always had that whenever I was VERY stressed and had to switch to 'coping' mode. That's what's gotten me into trouble; having been on coping mode for the last 11 yrs with all the moves, strange country, regions, cities, different culture, isolation from being a stay at home parent, having kids with hormonal upheaval (can you spell postpartum) etc etc etc.
A bunch of neighbours were sitting in my front yard whilst the kids were 'swarming' around in our street/cul de sacs, and the topic came to being a 'people-person' vs not. A neighbour noted how her husband was not as outgoing as her as she 'thrives' on people contact as it gave her energy and that is exactly what it is for me; I need people around me as that gives me energy. Being somewhat isolated (it's getting better) still I get my 'energy' from my online communication but of course, nothing beats the real deal when you have 'live' people exchanges.
Mary, I remember that yours is a family frequented blog and it has that nice, come on in we're all family' kinda feel. But I'm sure that, like with all big families, or close families, a little anonymous space is sometimes needed as well!
blueberry..holy cow girl..are you still afflicted with your sinus stuff? (and it's raining today but mold is supposed to be low but we have rag and pigweed coming up also low but still..)
I'm going to get myself checked out; psychologically (already in business), and physically.. what's what. I have one adrenal gland and what's related to what. Am I periomenopausal or what?
So for you and me, 'can we talk'? When I do decide to peak and see what time it is, it's sometimes 4:35am and I think, crap..two more hours and I need to get up. Sleep is so necessary for our brains and our health..I caught a glimps of normality and I liked it! I hope whatever is keeping you awake will abate and that you get at least the sufficient hours that will keep your brain and body in gear.

thanks for all your encouragement..


9:03 AM  
Blogger Mariamariacuchita said...

I think this is a great idea...let yourself create and express. You are such a wonderful sincere human being...go for it.

2:34 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

excellent ever...and it will feed your soul...

8:51 AM  

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